Strength and struggle…
I am having a hard time right now. It’s not easy to admit this, as I am usually “the strong one” and “the good girl”. People come to me with their troubles, secrets and struggles. And usually that’s fine.
Sometimes, though, I am given information that I don’t need, or want, to know. Sometimes people tell me things they wouldn’t even tell their best friend. Does this make me a real friend to them, or just a dumpster for something they needed to purge?
I haven’t been my best self lately for a number of reasons. I’ve been distracted, preoccupied, unfocused. Not feeling like a strong woman or a good girl. Sometimes I wish I could stop time and escape from reality for a day, or even just a few hours.
I don’t want so much to lose control as much as just to…relinquish it, if only for a little while. I want to surrender to the strength of someone else. I want it to be OK for me to be vulnerable, even weak.
Being too strong for too long just leaves a person feeling alone. I know I’m not truly alone, but my struggles are mine alone. Nobody can live my life, walk my path or fight my demons except me. And some days, I don’t have much fight left.
It will work itself out in time. I’ll find my strength again. And I’ll return to being my best self, intact for the people I care for, and able to care for them properly once more.
Just not today.