Category Archives: inspiration

Oct15

Tattered

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Why some things can never be discarded…

There is a quilt in my house that is tattered.  I don’t mean a little bit worn; I mean literally falling apart.  Yet I cannot bring myself to part with it.  And I can’t quite explain my attachment to it.  I just know I can’t throw it out.

Its history is something of a mystery.  I don’t know which side of my family it came from.  All I know is that it’s been in the family forever, and it shows every mark of its past.  Much of the fabric is disintegrating, with the cotton batting underneath exposed.

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It is beyond ragged.  Yet, as pitiful as it looks, it is also the softest quilt in the house.  It seems as though it always was the softest one, even when it lived in Mama’s house.  I will never forget the Christmas break I came home from college with a mouth full of ulcers and a torn-up stomach from the stress of exams, sick and exhausted.  I piled myself on the couch in the den downstairs under this ancient quilt, burrowing down into its softness, taking respite in the simple comfort of being home where my Mama could take care of me.

I guess maybe that’s why I can’t let it go, even though it is coming apart at the seams (and everywhere else!).  It is, among other things, a reminder of Mama’s comforting care and the many times she held me and tucked me into the comfort of that ratty old quilt when I was cold or sick or exhausted.

I miss her every day.  But the ratty, tattered quilt lives in my house to remind me of her care.  I am almost afraid to use it now, for fear that it will come completely apart.

I think, though, that it needs to live out the remainder of its life on my couch, with me burrowed into its ancient softness, remembering Mama and feeling her loving touch once more.  Maybe it will be buried in the casket with me when I die.

Somehow I think Mama would like that.

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Oct7

Bookworm Paradise

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Read. Nap. Repeat…

My idea of the perfect vacation has changed over the years (and decades).  When Reed and I were little kids, Mama and Dad took us on a week’s vacation to Myrtle Beach every summer.  What I looked forward to then was spending lots of time floating and frolicking in the surf and sand, looking for shells and sharks’ teeth, and riding the rides at the amusement park.  And one night during the week we would usually go to the movies as a family, which was a huge treat and something I always enjoyed.

As an adult with a job and responsibilities of my own, my desires for a vacation are a lot calmer and simpler than they used to be.  One of my greatest pleasures on a trip is just being able to read as much, and for as long, as I want to.  I’ve been a bookworm since childhood, but as a child, school and reading were my job.  So I didn’t always read a lot during my summer vacations.  Now, my JOB is my job, and reading often has to take a backseat to the other demands on my time and energy.  So now, vacations provide me with a block of time in which I can read all I want.

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That probably seems boring to some people, and that’s OK.  Some folks are weekend warriors who enjoy adventurous vacations filled with bungee-jumping-rock-climbing-skydiving activities.  Cool.  I looked into ziplining for this trip and that’s still not out of the question.  Flying sounds like a lot of fun to me!

I always bring my Bible with me when I travel, because, like my vitamins and supplements, it is part of my daily nourishment.  I would feel lost if I didn’t have it with me.  The practice of daily Bible reading doesn’t make me good or pious.  It makes me grateful.  And over the years it has become a part of the day that I look forward to.

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Vacations provide me with a change of scenery, new places to read and write and rest.  Right now I am sitting out back enjoying a balmy Gulf breeze, crystal clear blue sky, sunshine and the rippling water of the swimming pool, a scene very unlike the autumn chill we left behind back home.  It feels like a different season… a different world.

My friend Eileen, and her husband Brad, have a charity website dedicated to bookworms and reading.  It is called gonereading.com.  In addition to offering products for reading enthusiasts, the website donates 100% of their after-tax profits to fund reading-related charities, particularly READ Global and Ethiopia Reads.  One of their very cool t-shirts summarizes my vacation dreams perfectly:

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So, I encourage you to visit http://www.gonereading.com.  They don’t offer books, but they offer everything else a bookworm needs and desires to support their reading habits!  And they help to provide reading resources to people who would not otherwise have access to them.   For now, I am off to enjoy a little more Bookworm Paradise!

Sep17

Walking Shoes

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A journey of a thousand miles…

I am a casual dresser most of the time.  My work environment is informal so my attire often consists of jeans and sneakers.  In recent years I have rediscovered a fondness for what I used to refer to as “boy tennis shoes”, which are Converse Chuck Taylor All-Stars.  They are comfortable, cute and available in every color imaginable.

A couple of the fellows at work have Chucks in colors that I also own, and they kindly agreed to allow me to photograph our feet in our matching shoes for this blog.

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The smaller feet in the pictures are mine.  The blue shoes belong to Jacob, and the red ones are Matthew’s.   Big feet and little ones side by side in matching shoes are sort of comical…but for me, the images remind me that we are all journeying through this life, walking side by side with our neighbors, yet each of us on a unique path.

Imagine me trying to walk my path in Matthew’s shoes, or in Jacob’s!   My little feet would have trouble keeping those shoes on because they are much too large for me.  And Jacob and Matthew could not even begin to fit their man feet into my tiny girl shoes!  Our footwear looks the same, but my shoes were made to fit me, just as theirs were intended to fit them.

I think our gifts, talents, personalities and experiences are just like our shoes.  God equips each of us with a set of tools—shoes, if you will—for life’s journey.  My shoes might look like someone else’s, but they fit me alone.  And the longer I walk in them, the more miles we cover together, the more my shoes take on the shape of my feet.  The toes scuff up in a certain spot, the sides wear in a particular fashion, and the soil on the soles is unique to my path and the places I walk through.

I am thankful for my “shoes”, the gifts of God that take me along the path of my life.  I am grateful for the gifts of others whose journeys intersect with mine along the way.   Lord, guide my steps.

“Trust in The Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding;  In all your ways acknowledge Him, and he shall direct your paths.”

Proverbs 3:5-6

Thanks to Jacob Simms and Matthew Lloyd for sharing their shoes with me!

Sep4

Harbingers

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Bearing the signs of change…

Relief is coming.  I see the signs most vividly on my dogwood tree.  While the temperatures in East Tennessee are still hot and the humidity is still high, my dogwood tells me that fall is on its way and soon there will be respite from summer’s moist, heavy air.

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The past 2 summers have held an additional heaviness for me as well, the weight of grief bearing down as oppressively as the soaring temperatures and wilting humidity.  Stepping physically into the heat feels much like stepping onto the path of mourning, as though somehow my energy is being drained from me, body and soul.  I know this path well.  It seems like I’ve been walking it for most of my life.  Still, its familiarity does not make it any easier to navigate, nor any shorter.

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But relief is coming.  The changing colors on my dogwood tree are just the earliest harbingers of changes yet to begin.  Soon the maples, oaks and other trees will begin their turning from summer’s greens to the parade of warmer shades brought on by the cooler temperatures.  Such a graceful paradox, cooler bringing warmer and vice versa.

Relief is also coming for my grief.  There will never be a total removal of pain from the deaths of those I love, nor should there be.  But gradually, over time and with the changing seasons, the pain becomes less sharp, always lingering but not as suffocating as before.

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Relief is coming.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Jul22

Considering The Lilies

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Beauty at every stage…

Summertime in East Tennessee is filled with the scents, sounds and colors of nature.  All manner of blooming things burst forth to bring joy and beauty to the world around us.  From roadside patches of wild daisies and Queen Anne’s Lace to the fluffy blooms of the mimosa trees, the world seems awash with the glory of flowers.

Right now I am fascinated by the golden hues of the daylilies in various stages of development around my workplace gardens.  Unlike human beings, these flowering beauties never seem to have an awkward stage.  Even in the flower pod phase their detail is exquisite.

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From here they start to unfurl their trumpet-shaped blooms and reveal the yellow-orange flowers that contrast so beautifully with their green leaves and stems.  No interior designer could create a prettier color scheme.

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I always marvel at the simple, yet miraculous, way that our natural world perpetuates itself.  Perennial plants and flowers that return year after year with little or no intervention from humans amaze me.  We have a little patch of peonies in the front yard that we inherited when we bought our house.  Neither Sweet Pea nor I are wizards with outdoor plants or landscaping, and our peonies have never received much care from us.  Yet, every May, they return with their fluffy double blooms and sweet fragrance.  Some years they have been affected by poorly-timed cold snaps, and other years we’ve enjoyed bumper crops of them.  But they have never failed to come back.

The flowers remind me of God and His masterful craftsmanship.  He could have made our world a sterile, grey place…but He chose instead to delight us, His ultimate creations, with color and beauty throughout nature.  As I consider the lilies, I like to ponder how God must view us at our various stages.  Does He see beauty in all the phases of our lives…of MY life?

Lord, make my life a lovely, fully-flowered blossom whose color and fragrance point people to my Maker, Savior and Friend.

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Jul9

A Two Feather Day

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 Mama’s 75th Birthday and messages from Heaven…

Friday, July 4, 2014 would have been Mama’s 75th birthday.  It was a work day for me, and I was grateful to be at work.  Otherwise I probably would have just brooded at home and felt sad and lonesome for Mama.  At least with work to keep me occupied, I was able to have a bit of a distraction and some productivity.

 

The workplace was quieter than usual since most of the building had the holiday off, and that extra quiet atmosphere was a relief.  I couldn’t help thinking back to the countless birthdays of Mama’s that she and Aunt Ruby had spent canning green beans at Aunt Ruby’s house.  Sometimes there were firecrackers and sparklers once dusk began to settle.  I can still hear the crunching of rock salt in Uncle John’s old-fashioned ice cream freezer, and feel the anticipation of the frosty, creamy deliciousness it would eventually render.  Such sweet memories of simpler, younger days brought me a homesick feeling for the times and places of my yesteryears.

 

I decided to leave the building for lunch.  The day was uncharacteristically balmy, with low humidity and milder-than-typical temperatures for July in East Tennessee.  As I strode toward my car, a feather on the ground caught my eye!  Since I collect them, I was thrilled to find one on this special day, and I looked skyward and said “Thank you!” to God for this wonderful blessing.  

 

Instead of spending the whole hour eating lunch, I went to the nearby arts and crafts store to look for inspiration for my latest scrapbook project and grabbed a quick bite on the way back to work.  After parking my car I headed back into the building to resume my work day, refreshed and grateful for my new feather, when lo and behold, I spotted a second one!  My first thought was, “NO WAY!”  My second thought was, “God and Mama must be looking out for me today because they both know how much I miss her.”  

 

I talked to Dad on the phone last night and told him about my two feather day, reminding him that I collect feathers and babbling on about how special it was to find these on Mama’s birthday.  He asked why I started collecting feathers in the first place, and I explained that, while it may seem childish, I see feathers and like to imagine they dropped from the wing of some guardian angel God placed in my path to watch over me.  I half expected him to laugh at the silliness of such a notion, but, to my surprise, he said that it was a good outlook to have.  Maybe I didn’t give him enough credit.  

 

Who is to say where a person can or cannot find God’s presence?  I think one can find Him anywhere, in anything.  The key to finding Him is just to look with open eyes and an open spirit.  Lord, thank You for the reminders all around me that You are indeed looking after me with watchful, loving care.  Thank You for sending feathers on Mama’s milestone birthday, and for releasing her from the ailing body that trapped her for so long, for freeing her spirit to soar in Heaven with You and so many of our loved ones.

 

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Jun30

Over The Rainbow

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Maybe the rainbow IS the pot of gold…

East Tennessee summers are known for producing sporadic, sometimes intense, pop-up storms, especially in the heat of the late afternoon.  Often those storms come and go in a matter of minutes, and sometimes, if we’re blessed, we can spot a rainbow in their aftermath.  I was fortunate recently to be able to see and photograph a rainbow on my way home from work after such a pop-up thunderstorm.

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A couple of years ago at the end of my extended unit of CPE, Carolyn, a member of my peer group, painted a watercolor for each of us as a gift and as part of her peer review.  Her artistic vision captured each of us as some element or scene from nature.  One of us was an ocean, one of us was a mountain.  Her vision of me was that I was a rainbow.  I was flattered and touched by her assessment of me and her ability to see my true colors (pardon the pun) in this way.

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I’ve often heard the old tale about there being a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.  It’s a nice thought, but I am not holding my breath waiting to find that pot of gold anytime soon.  Which end is it supposed to be at, anyway?  The front end or the back end?  Not really the point, I realize…but my mind works like that sometimes.

I think maybe the rainbow is its own pot of gold.  It’s a beautiful treasure, a gift from God, like His very own brushstrokes across the sky reminding me of His promise never again to destroy humanity with a flood.  I think of the many kinds of floods in my life…floods of trouble, illness, death and sorrow.  “When it rains, it pours,” as the old adage states.  But in my floods I know I am never alone.  God is not going to drown me, and He is not going to abandon me in the midst of the pouring rain.

Jun18

Nature In The Concrete Jungle

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Surprises from my trip to New York…

I never expected to find much nature in The Big Apple. All my life I’ve heard and read about the spectacular skyscrapers, the lovely brownstones, the dilapidated tenements with their rickety fire escapes. But the only reference to nature I remember is the book title, “A Tree Grows In Brooklyn”. So on my recent adventure to the big city, all I expected to see was …big city.

But, like any other city, New York has refreshing spots of natural beauty as well as an impressive skyline. Granted, that “natural” beauty has in most cases been designed and inserted into the cityscape. Still, on the way to St. Patrick’s Cathedral with Jenny and Jere, I was delighted to see a beautiful garden with fountains and hundreds, if not thousands, of blue and lavender hydrangea blossoms. Mom Cutshaw grew incredibly gorgeous blue hydrangeas in her backyard garden, and anytime I see them I think of her.

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The carriage ride around Central Park with Elizabeth, Susan and Katie Jo showed me more of the nature New York has to offer. We saw huge rock formations, trees, shrubs and flowers of all kinds, including Japanese dogwoods in bloom. The weather for our trip was as perfect as we could have asked for, with mild temperatures, sunshine, breezes and low humidity. The only rain we had was the day we landed (and it was gone and the sun shining on us again by the time we reached the hotel) and the morning we left to come back home. I feel a little bit spoiled that my first trip to New York was as beautiful as it was!

The happiest “nature moment” for me came as we walked to meet our carriage driver. I had prayed and hoped against hope that I would have the chance to add to my feather collection on this trip. As Elizabeth and Katie Jo and I hurried to meet Susan and our driver, I spotted a beautiful white feather, more than 2 inches long, on the ground. This was almost too good to be true! So I asked my companions to wait up while I grabbed it and tucked it safely inside my bag.

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 That pretty white feather is such a blessing, as all the feathers in the collection are. It reminds me of God’s watchful, loving care. Once again I imagined that my feather came from the wing of some guardian angel God had assigned to watch over me and my friends. Wherever it came from, it is a reminder that His eye is on the sparrow…and the pigeon, and the singing tourist enjoying the beauty of New York for the first time.

May20

What 50 Looks Like

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And why it does and doesn’t matter…

Feminist pioneer Gloria Steinem once responded to a reporter who kindly remarked that she did not look 40, “This is what 40 looks like.”  Now, whatever your thoughts and opinions about Ms. Steinem may be, her response to that reporter has always resonated with me. As a woman who has always felt judged by my appearance (not by age as much as by shape and size) I love it when appearance-based stereotypes get shattered.  But this post isn’t really about physical appearances as much as what my life looks like today, as I turn The Big 5-0.

In the spirit of full disclosure I will admit to being a little freaked-out by the prospect of turning 50.  It’s a milestone different from any other birthday that happens to have a zero at the end of it.  A woman turning 50 often finds herself subject to the slings and arrows of menopause and all the changes associated with the end of the childbearing years.  And I am so there.  I am relieved that my new GYN actually listened to my concerns during our initial visit and started me on treatment that I hope will help me feel better soon.

I went today and renewed my drivers’ license, and I was pleasantly surprised by how similar my photo today looked when compared to the one from my last license 10 years ago.  Aside from a marked decrease in weight, I don’t look too different, or too much older.  That was a big relief!

The biggest surprise about this birthday is how much more content and comfortable I am in my life and in my own skin than I’ve probably ever been before.  I remember other birthdays with zeroes on them, and the various kinds of angst I was experiencing with each of them.  My life is in a better place now.  God has blessed me with a husband who still loves me after all these years, makes me laugh, warms my heart, has been a wonderful dog dad, and makes me feel safe.Image

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I have several longtime friendships like that as well. Those relationships are priceless.  My friend Mary K. and I spent the weekend between our birthdays together.  Her birthday is May 15 and was also a milestone.  We first met at a Methodist youth assembly when we were 13 or 14 years old.  Living in different states, we were pen-pals for decades but didn’t actually see each other again until 2009 when, after about a decade of being out of touch, we reconnected via Facebook.

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Over the years we have shared everything from braces and boyfriend stories to college, marriage, the births of her children to the deaths of our parents.  This friendship and a few other cherished ones like it sustain me, nourish my soul and, again, make me feel safe.  Above is the picture from our initial reunion in 2009, and below is from our most recent get-together this past weekend.  It just dawned on me that she is wearing the same top in both pictures, and I am wearing yellow in both.  (My sweater from 2009 would swallow me now since weight loss surgery!)

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The losses of so many loved ones have all affected me in different ways, but that old adage, “better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all,” is one I believe in.  Yes, the deaths hurt terribly…but I am so incredibly grateful that I have known and loved these precious family members and friends.  My life without them would be unimaginable.  And they’re not gone forever.  They’re just in a place where I can’t see them right now, except when they visit in dreams.  The relationships with living family members are all works in progress, just as they’ve always been.  I’m grateful for the ones still here who make me feel safe, valued and loved.

So I guess my life turning 50 is looking pretty good after all.  God has been so faithful and brought me through more sadness, disasters and changes than I ever could have imagined experiencing by the time I turned 50.  He has also brought me more wonderful surprises, happiness and joy than I could ever hope to deserve.  So, what does 50 look like?  

Sometimes it looks hazy and crazy.

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Sometimes it looks goofy and spoofy.Image

 

 Mostly, though,  it just looks…Blessed.

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May2

Gifted

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Everything in my life came from somewhere…

Sometimes I am just plain overwhelmed by how gifted my life has been.  It seems as though everywhere I look, there is something to be grateful for, some gift I’ve been given that warms my heart.  Whether tangible or not, gifts surround me.

As I chose today’s clothes and accessories to wear to work, it dawned on me that many of the things I’m wearing were gifts from important people in my life.  The denim jacket with the Cinetel logo embroidered on it came from my friend Sam, who gave it to me as he was moving away from the area years ago.  I was too large to wear it when he gave it to me, but since weight loss surgery and shrinkage have happened, it now fits with room to spare.  It’s a warm reminder of Sam’s friendship and the laughs we’ve shared over the years we’ve known each other.  When I wear it, it’s like a hug from him.

I am wearing the Vicki treble clef earrings and the Olivia bracelet I mentioned in an earlier post called “Hand Made”, shiny reminders of these beautiful women whose lives have touched mine as we crossed paths through faith and music.  Such gifts are a tribute to their thoughtfulness.  While I treasure the jewelry (and I definitely do!) I treasure the women and their friendship even more.  Each of them is entering a new phase of life right now.  Vicki is getting married in 2 weeks and Olivia is finishing up her doctorate and about to begin a new teaching position.  My prayers are with them both as they continue on the paths God has set for them.

On our last adventure trip to Las Vegas, Sweet Pea and I drove out into the desert to Primm, where there is a huge outlet shopping place.  That drive into the desert was astonishing, the rugged beauty of jagged rocks and a huge sky overwhelming me with a view so different from home.  That is where my white gold emerald and diamond anniversary ring came from, which I am also wearing today.  It was an early 19th wedding anniversary present.  The ring is beautiful and I love it…but the relationship with my husband is the true gift.  The ring serves as a reminder of what really matters.

I also wear a little silver bead and crystal cross bracelet.  This came from my cousin Judy.  She slipped it onto my wrist last August on a hot, muggy morning.  It was the morning we buried Aunt Ruby and my cousins had asked me to conduct her graveside service.  I think Judy knew I’d need a little extra strength for the day, and the bracelet carried her love and prayers with it.  It continues to do so and I wear it with love and gratitude.

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Thanksgiving following Aunt Ruby’s passing, our family gathered at my cousin Holly’s house for the first time without Aunt Ruby’s presence among us.  It was a bittersweet day, with both laughter and tears as we remembered the joy of Thanksgivings past when we gathered at Aunt Ruby’s house on Arnold Street.  My cousins presented me with a gorgeous pair of earrings, a love gift for preaching Aunt Ruby’s funeral and a reminder of the many roles she had served in our family, among them, the resident ear-piercer.  And the gem of choice?  Rubies.  Of course.  Doubly meaningful because Aunt Ruby’s name was also Mama’s birthstone.

 

 

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Everything I have, material and otherwise, came from someplace, from someone.  As meaningful and special as the material gifts are, they are just reminders of the true gifts, which are the people whose lives touch mine and the Lord Who brought all of it together in the first place.  He put me in the family He chose for me and brought into my path the friends He knew I would need to make my life rich, fun, musical and colorful.  

So yes, in all honesty, I can say that I am indeed greatly gifted.